Puckleberry Hates to Halt

Mono.  That's for high school and college kids, dammit!

I've been sick for a while.  Run down, running on empty.  Last week, I had a cold.  Then I thought I had the flu.  The Huz kept telling me to go to the doctor and I said, "meh, I'm too busy."  I was!  Finally, after being unable to eat because my tonsils were like the size of testicles, I went in to get swabbed for strep.

Doc took one look at my sorry ass and admitted me straight to the hospital, no testing or anything.  I guess I should have worn some under eye concealer or something?

Yep, my sorry ass got quarantined.  Put in the isolation unit.  Which was half awesome (morphine!  no one hassling me!) and half suckage (I'm VIRULENT!  I can't see/touch/hug my kids!  I'm tethered to a jumble of lines!).

I didn't have the flu or strep.  No man, I had mononucleosis.  What?  How the hell did I get that?

I was so fucked up when I got there, they couldn't even get an IV in me.  Finally they had to put it in the crook of my arm...and then left it there despite my repeated bleating for them to replace it somewhere more tolerable (as promised!) once I was hydrated enough.  And I have good veins, yo.

Finally after 3 nursing shifts...I pulled out my own goddamn IV, which was half hanging out by that time anyway.  The nurse came in to say goodbye to me (she was about 85, said I was her youngest patient...seems she thought I was only 18?) and found me sitting on the side of my bed with pilfered alcohol wipes yanking the IV out of my elbow.  She didn't blame me!  Finally a nursing supervisor placed it in my wrist, where it should have been, shot me up with morphine (meh) and I snored so loud with my testicle-tonsils the nurses thought it was coming from the old man in the room next door.  Impressive.

The next day, however, I got Nurse Ratched, who grilled me as to why I was there on January 19 and got a script for Percocet.  Yeah, I was there on January 19...having a total hysterectomy...in 2011.  2011!!!!!!!!!  YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!

Same nurse also cut off my morphine, denied me Advil ("your doctor won't call us back!") and told me I didn't have mono...because she didn't look at the next screen on her computer.  "I don't know why  you're here!"  She was a complete asshole towards me, trying to paint me as some drug seeker because my joints ached, my spleen ached, and my fucking doctor wrote morphine on my chart, hell!  I was polite as could be despite having to ring for her about three times for every visit, her skipping all my meds like my steroids, and ignoring the other nurses paging her constantly.  She was also the only one who didn't wear the full bunny suit gear when she came in (not believing I had mono).  After I complained to the nurse manager that she was jeopardizing my care and safety, she came in appropriately bunny attired and apologized...said it was from drinking too much Theraflu (smacks head).  She's lucky I had so many wires on me because if I was in better health, I was ready to strangle her with my IV line.  Or sneezed on her.

Thank goodness all the other nurses were caring and compassionate and actually cared about me as a patient.  It was a CNA enrolled in nursing school who saved my ass and got the nurse manager involved in my case!  It's a shame I got stuck with Nurse Influenza Stuck In 2011 Drug Seeker of Seekers for the longest 12 hours of my life spent rolling around in bed moaning about my joints, my fat neck, and my swollen spleen.  (I never knew where my spleen was...now I sure as hell do!)  Then again, in Florida, if you say "ow, can I have some Tylenol?" = DRUG SEEKER!!  I walked in the hossy and asked for Advil, it ain't my fault my doctor prescribed morphine, and it sure as shit wasn't her place to go against what my doctor wrote in my chart!!   The Huz came down to stomp some asses and that's the one time she gave me some privacy.  Shocked. 

Anyway, after 3 days of isolation--which consisted mainly of amusing/horrifying my nursing friends with my horror stories via Facebook, reading late 18th century literature (because I'm cheap and it be free for the Kindle off the intertubez), picking used and laundered and NOT MINE! EKG patches off my bedsheets, paging Nurse Asshat to please refresh my IV bag, and having about a quart of blood drained off me every 12 hours--I was sprung from the joint without fanfare.  I drove my sorry ass home and greeted my kids.

Isolation/bank robbery style!  So much for my pashmina shawl, I guess.

Anyway.  As anyone who's ever had mono can attest, recovery is a real bitch.

So, I'm sad to say that I'm going to have to shut down my store for a while.  Not forever, I'll be back.  But, not until I'm in health that doesn't make me nod off in the car loop, forget how long it takes to boil spaghetti, and lots of other duh things.  Plus this will give me a chance to get my poor machines some long overdue maintenance, and get me ready for an upcoming trip to Mexico, Jamaica, and the Cayman Islands (I am looking forward to visiting Hell once there). 

So in the immortal words of The Terminator...I'll be back!